Prologue
San Fernando Valley, California, 1999
The heat stifled everything on that still August night. Not even a breath of wind moved through the tree-lined streets of Lurleena Hills. Rows of newly-built, upper-class homes, each one nearly identical to the next, stood dark and silent. Only the perfectly manicured lawns and high-end vehicles parked in each driveway suspended the illusion of complete desertion and abandonment. In a private community where everyone was in bed by 10:00pm, at ten minutes past 11:00, there was not a single solitary sign of life. However, through the open upstairs window of house number 437, a young girl lay awake, listening to the silence.
Alexis continued gazing at the ceiling. She’d been lying still like this for over an hour. Her eyes had adjusted to the dark and her hearing was sharp so that every nuance and whisper was amplified. She heard the whoosh of the ceiling fan and her eyes could just barely make out its shadowy blades rotating above her. She startled as the next door neighbor’s sprinklers gushed to life and listened as the spigot ticked on, keeping pace with the rapid beating of her own heart. Gradually, her frequency tuned in to the slow, garbled breathing coming from the bed to her left.
Ever so slowly, Alexis turned her head towards the source, fearing the sound of her ear scraping against the pillowcase would cause an irrevocable disturbance. But Kaelin didn’t stir. The precocious seven-year-old was lying in her typical sleeping position, face-down in the pillow, with only her little heart-shaped mouth uncovered. Kaelin had her usual mountain of blankets piled on top of her, despite the heat.
Fifteen-year-old Alexis had a nearly impossible time getting her sister to sleep that evening. Perhaps Kaelin somehow sensed what was about to happen, because she clung to Alexis like glue the entire day, even more so than usual. As Kaelin lay there in a fragile slumber, Alexis couldn’t help but notice how sweet the child looked; blissfully unaware of what was going on around her—content. In many ways, Alexis envied her.
Listening to the steady rhythm of Kaelin’s breathing, Alexis realized how little she had in common with the girl, how little she really knew her. For the past few years, they had spent practically every second together, and yet somehow, Alexis had never really paid much attention to Kaelin at all.
She’s a sweet kid...definitely deserves better than this family…
But so do I…And my life will be better than this.
Alexis felt her heart pounding in her chest, increasingly more powerful with every beat. A droplet of sweat trickled down the back of her neck, causing her to twitch and shiver.
It’s time to go. GET UP!
She sat up and swung her legs off the bed, creating a dull thud as her feet hit the carpet. Sitting there in the darkness, a wave of doubt crashed over her. The ramifications of the choice she was about to make hit her in the stomach like a battering ram.
Can I really do this? Is my life really that bad? Maybe…maybe not...
Alexis was trembling and her eyes started to water. As the panic and desperation began to take hold of her, she prayed silently for courage.
Hold it together. Please...I need to do this. I have to.
Whether she was pleading with herself or some higher power, she wasn’t sure, nor did she care. As her eyes darted across the room, they settled on the silhouette of the guitar case at the foot of her bed. And then, suddenly, her entire being became solid. The world stopped spinning, the air became lighter, and the room seemed to impart a clear, unhindered pathway to the door.
Quickly, she flipped on the small lamp atop her bedstand, filling the room with a dim amber glow. Planting her feet, Alexis stood, dragged an old suitcase out from under her bed, set it on the mattress, and began tossing her belongings into it.
Young Kaelin stirred and opened her eyes, whimpering as her pupils encountered the unexpected light. As her sight adjusted, she recognized figure of her older sister standing in front of her. Alexis’ back was facing Kaelin, blocking her view of what Alexis was doing.
Yawning, sleep still in her voice, Kaelin quietly murmured “Lex?”
“Shh!” Alexis scolded, too preoccupied with the task at hand to turn around. “Go back to sleep.”
A torrent of clothes, CDs, knickknacks, and sheet music flew into the suitcase. Curious, Kaelin sat up and tried to peer around her sister’s back.
“What are you doing?”
“Nothing. Just please- go to sleep.”
Alexis moved to the shelf above her bed, grabbed the framed picture of her father and herself as a toddler, and tossed it on top of the pile.
In that moment, Kaelin understood. “Where are you going?” she asked, alarm rising in her voice.
No answer.
Terrified, tears began trickling down the little girl’s cheeks. “When are you coming back?”
“I’m not.” Alexis replied, not bothering to turn around as she said it.
Kaelin could barely hold it together as she ventured her next question. “Are you mad at me?”
Alexis slammed the top of the suitcase down abruptly and snapped the latches shut. She grabbed the handle and lugged it off the bed. “No, of course not.” she mumbled distractedly, still not meeting her sister’s eye. “I’m mad at Mom.”
“Did you do something bad? You can say you’re sorry…”
“No. I’m not apologizing to her. Ever.”
Suitcase in tow, Alexis spun around and moved to the foot of her bed, grabbing the handle of the black leather guitar case with her free hand. Giving the room a final once-over to ensure nothing important was left behind, Alexis took a deep breath and finally looked at Kaelin. “I have to go now. She’ll be home soon.”
Kaelin became hysterical, choking on sobs as she tried to get the words out. “Wait…Lex! Stop… Please...Please don’t go!”
Nervous about the commotion the child was making, Alexis knelt in front of Kaelin’s bed, bringing herself to eye-level with the little girl. Kaelin was shivering, so Alexis plucked her sister’s favorite grape-purple blanket from atop the pile and wrapped it around her shoulders.
“Shh, shh. Kaelin, you have to be quiet, okay? Please? For me...”
The request seemed to temporarily hush Kaelin. But as Alexis stood and moved towards the door, Kaelin jumped out of bed, ran to her sister, and hugged her tightly around the waist, unwilling to letting go. Caught off guard by the overt display of affection, Alexis allowed the embrace for a brief moment before coming to her senses. Unaccustomed to physical contact and pressed for time, she tried unwrapping the child’s arms from her waist so that she could make her departure. But it was too late. There was the screech of tires pulling into the driveway and the faint flash of headlights shone through the window and dashed along the walls.
Oh no…
Alexis looked desperately toward the open window, knowing she’d have to act now and fast if she were to have any hope of escape. The engine shut off and the opening of a car door opening echoed from outside. Her immediate instinct was to just pull Kaelin off of her and make a break for it, but she found herself giving pause to the little girl who stood trembling at her waist.
With a look of sincere regard, Alexis spoke to her sister in a direct, but gentle manner. “Kaelin, listen to me. Mom’s about to come in, and when she does, she is gonna be really, really angry. I don’t want her to get mad at you too, so I need you to get back in bed and not make a sound, no matter what you hear. Okay?”
Scared, but compliant, Kaelin nodded, released her grip and quickly hopped into bed. Alexis flipped off the lights and began lumbering towards the door with her baggage. As she passed through the doorway, a tiny, fragile voice called out after her.
“Lex? Will I ever see you again?”
Alexis stopped in the hallway and pondered how she was going to answer this. “Yeah…” she said, inhaling deeply. “You’ll see me.”
And with that, she disappeared down the darkened hallway. In an effort to obey her sister’s wishes, Kaelin buried herself beneath her pile of blankets and tried to be as quiet as possible, with only the occasional sniffle escaping beneath the covers.
Alexis moved swiftly through the house, desperately hoping to escape undetected. When she reached the bottom of the foyer stairs, the sound of high heels clicked up the front porch and a shadow darkened the stained glass panels of the front doors. She feared all hope was lost at the sound of keys jangling in the lock.
In a moment of pure serendipity, she heard the keys clatter to the pavement and a slightly slurred “Goddamn it!” from the other side of the door. Seizing the opportunity, Alexis darted for the back door, slid the glass panel open, and slipped outside.
The night air was stagnant; even more suffocating than the heat inside the house. Paying it no mind, Alexis quietly tiptoed her way along the side yard, luggage in hand. Reaching the rod-iron side gate, she carefully unlatched it and went through, trying her best to muffle the soft clang as it shut.
Tasting freedom at last, she snuck across the front lawn, peeking in the black windows of her house. Deciding she was in the clear, Alexis began making her way hastily across the driveway when a cold voice pierced through her, causing her to startle and freeze.
“Need a hand with those bags?”
Surrendering, as if held at gunpoint, Alexis whirled around to face the front porch. All she could make out in the darkness was the glow of a cigarette tip.
“And where exactly might you be going this late at night?” Her mother’s voice was soft and honeyed, but there was a touch of eminent danger laced into it.
Alexis didn’t move a muscle, as though she were hiding from a predator that required motion to spot a kill. Regardless, a darkened figure came towards her, stepping off the porch and into the beam of the front yard lamps.
Camilla Bridger was an attractive woman. Mid-forties, waspish, pointy features—the quintessential look of a gated-community/PTA empress. The coiffed hair, designer cocktail dress, and stilettos suggested money and entitlement. But the cheap brand cigarette, the slur in her speech, and plunging neckline were remnants of a trailer park upbringing.
Although reputed to be the epitome of graciousness and benevolence in the eyes of the Lurleena Hills community, there was a cruelty and hardness in her that only came out when she was at home with her children. Her eyes were cold and there was always a hint of something cutting in her voice. Tonight, however, the alcohol was inhibiting her ability to disguise it.
Camilla stumbled slightly on her Dolce & Gabbana heels as she advanced on her eldest daughter. “Wait, wait, let me guess. Those extra fifteen pounds can attest to the fact that you’re not out here for exercise…you don’t have any friends, so that rules out a slumber party…”
Alexis remained completely silent, though her mother’s spiteful words and the ease with which she hurled them were boiling her alive.
“Yet here you are…sneaking out of my home in the middle of the night with a suitcase and an old guitar that you don’t even know how to play.” Switching tones from sarcastic to menacing, Camilla grabbed Alexis’ arm forcefully and began to yell. “So where the hell do you think you’re going?”
“You know damn well where I’m going.”
“That’s right! I do! And you’re not going anywhere!” Camilla snarled, her volume increasing with every word.
“I am leaving.” Alexis replied matter-of-factly. “And you can’t stop me.”
The defiance in her daughter stunned Camilla for an instant, but then proceeded to only enrage her further. “The hell I can’t! Don’t think for one minute I won’t have that man arrested and have the cops drop your sorry, ungrateful little ass back here the moment you set foot off this property!”
Lights and faces had begun appearing in the windows surrounding them. Realizing their dispute was attracting an audience, Camilla lowered her voice considerably and Alexis decided this was her chance to seize the spotlight.
“Oh please, can we just stop this?” Her voice became slightly emotional as she spoke, but she somehow maintained her composure. “Let’s stop pretending that you care at all about me.” Camilla’s eyes looked around, searching the faces peering back at her through the windows. Annoyed that once again her mother’s priorities lay elsewhere, Alexis raised her voice to retrieve Camilla’s attention. “All you care about are your committees and your parties and your time to yourself at the bars! And you can have ‘em! But I’m not gonna sit here anymore and pretend like everything’s fine when this ‘perfect family’ thing is bullshit!”
Camilla yanked Alexis’ arm hard, digging her nails in, and tried to force Alexis inside the house.
“NO! Let me go!” Furious, Alexis ripped herself free.
Camilla staggered back, daunted by the unprecedented strength and resolve in her daughter. Catching sight of the watchful neighbors, Camilla collected herself and attempted to reestablish her usual haughty composure that the neighborhood ladies so often took their cue from. “Alexis Nicole Bridger. Get inside the house. Right now.” Her voice had some semblance of control, but there was a noticeable undercurrent of desperation.
Disgusted with her mother and the whole situation, Alexis rolled her eyes. “Goodbye, Mom.” she said, with a tone of sheer finality.
As Alexis looked at her mother for what she believed to be the last time, there was a moment, fleeting but palpable—for both of them felt it—when the right word from Camilla could have ended it all. She was aware of the possibility that a sincere expression of regret or apology on her mother’s behalf could stop her from leaving. In some way, she hoped for it as much as she dreaded it. Searching her mother’s face for some sign, Alexis’ heart raced as Camilla opened her mouth to speak.
“I am not letting you ruin your reputation, or mine, by running off to be some rich man’s tramp!”
And in that moment, Alexis felt any chance for reconciliation with her mother circle down the drain. Catching her breath, she looked Camilla dead in the eye, deciding there was no longer any point in holding back. “Why not?” she replied, coldly. “Like mother, like daughter.”
The slap reverberated down the street and each window framed a horrified witness with their face pressed against the glass. It took a moment for both women to fully realize what had just taken place. The sting on Alexis’ cheek wasn’t nearly as noticeable as the itchy heat crawling up through her face, underneath the skin. Any remnants of love or devotion she might have felt toward her mother had vanished. However, as Alexis turned her head back to face Camilla, she was startled to find genuine fear reflected in her mother’s eyes. Whether Camilla was afraid of what the neighbors had seen or whether it could have possibly been remorse, Alexis was uncertain. Infuriated, she took a step forward and was even more shocked to see her mother cower at her approach.
However, before Alexis could retaliate, a loud cry rang out behind them. Both turning, they saw Kaelin watching from the bedroom window, tears streaming down her face, her face contorted in a heartrending grimace. Alexis and Camilla were both horrified, and for possibly the first time in her life, Camilla was shamed into silence. Recoiling, Alexis picked up her bag and the guitar case and ran down the street. Unable to do or say anything, Camilla just looked on, tears in her eyes, as her first child disappeared down the darkened avenue. Conscious of the faces staring at her from every direction, Camilla turned and ran inside the house, slamming the front door behind her.
Kaelin remained in the bedroom window, screaming and crying uncontrollably after her sister, as the neighbors continued to look on. Soon, a shadow appeared in the doorway behind Kaelin and pulled her away from the window, bringing the sill down and closing curtains. The show was over. Faces disappeared from the windows and the streets of Lurleena Hills became a graveyard once more, save for the sound of a single set of footsteps along the pavement.
Alexis never looked back as she walked away that night. She had places to go and a dream worth pursuing at any price, even if it meant leaving behind everything and everyone she’d ever known. It would not be until many years later, when her life was in a completely different place and she was a completely different person, that the things she’d left behind would find her once again.